With time I have learned that wondering about the reasons behind it is a waste of time. The important thing is anxiety is there. It doesn’t matter if it is provoked by the past, the present, or a mixture of both. The matter is that if there is something affecting you, you have to solve it. And I am sure that most of the times, most people, don’t use the appropriate tools and the problem persists in time, sometimes during the whole life. I hope this won’t happen to me.
The tension I noticed on my neck and shoulders has disappeared almost completely. The anxiety, not yet. Sometimes I still feel some instability when I go out for a walk or to a mall. The other day it happened to me while I was having lunch in a restaurant. I entered the room and noticed an instant oppression. I still don’t know if it was my own suggestion or if it was really the cause, but when I analyze the event, the only unusual thing was a baby crying near. For some reason that was affecting me, perhaps. When I notice the anxiety or my neck knotted, I breathe deeply right away and I try to control my heartbeats, and after some minutes the improvement is visible. When I meditate or do self-reiki, most of the times nothing comes to me. But other times I feel the sadness in my heart and I feel it is Roderic, who little by little is releasing his emotions. Spontaneous flashes in the waking state or before getting asleep have also come to me, in general happy scenes from Roderic’s childhood and adolescence.
Yesterday night I meditated again. I cried once more, and then I wrote by hand what I had felt. This time it did seem to flow much better.
“Pain is at the basis of everything. That is what you learn when you have been remembering past lives for some time. It is still difficult to reach Roderic, but his tough armor starts to crack and there are spots in which it breaks apart. When I find a moment to meditate and soothe my anxiety, which still gets high sometimes, I don’t feel so much tension. There is not so much rage or guilt, but there is still an immense grief that is hard to dissolve. Tears keep frozen, and only when the sun shines a little, they melt and fall. It reminds me the Wall from the saga Song of Ice and Fire.
These days any item of clothing brushing my neck overwhelms me a lot. Sometimes even without any clothing I feel the oppression. I know it is not only because of the memory of the rope choking me, but because of all the things I wanted to say and couldn’t, as I knew I had already been judged and they were not going to listen to me. I had spent years trying to be heard, but no one wanted to fight.
“What do you feel while you are dying?”, someone asks. “The same as always”, I reply. That is to say:
Fear.
Contempt.
Wrath.
It is a wasted life.
And besides...
I still want to fight.
I didn’t give up. I let them defeat me. They won, because I did exactly what they expected me to do.
GRIEF. Is it possible tears welled under my eyelids while I was dying?
As I child, I read Miguel Strogoff, by Jules Verne. I always thought that is his best book, though it is not one of the most known. I have never forgotten a scene: when they burn their eyes with an incandescent sword, we all thought Miguel Strogoff went blind. But at the end we find out he had kept his sight because the tears accumulated in his eyes had acted as a barrier and had prevented the cornea from being damaged. Is this possible?
Possible or not, Roderic has only begun to cry now.
Many random flashes have come to me these days, some of them happy. But very few were with my mother. I wish I could remember her better. Today I saw her: a woman of around 30-35 years old who appears to be older, with long, tousled, wavy hair, sad and full of fear eyes. But the same way I don’t show my grief, she doesn’t show her fear. I must have admired her so much, as I think she was very strong... But she was just a woman. And I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t save hear, I COULDN’T SAVE HER...
When did I think I could save hear, being only a child? When did I decide my duty was to protect her? I don’t know, but the seed of grief was planted in that very moment, and little by little turned into impotence, frustration, rage, hatred and desires of revenge. An explosive cocktail that isn’t unfamiliar to any human being that has ever stepped on the face of the earth.”