It is very long since I barely obtain new past life memories, but Roderic keeps being present in some of them. Recently I could meet two users from the forums I frequent in person, and, answering one of their questions, I think that the main reason I keep remembering is because that allows me to understand better certain aspects of that past life. Emotionally, it has always been hard for me to access Roderic’s heart, but as I know new facts, my vision of everything that happened expands and gets more complete.
I have tried to meditate and nothing has come to me, except a brief flash at the end. It seems we are at home, the environment is quite gloomy. Someone (possibly one or a few soldiers) come to take my mother away, saying they will bring her back someday. My mother is between the door and us, frightened and not knowing what to do. With “us” I am referring to my father, who is at my right, and me. I must be seven or eight years old and I feel I have medium-length, light brown, almost blonde, hair. I guess Gareth is a bit further, but I don’t get to see him. When they take my mother’s arm, I try to run to her but my father stops me putting his left hand on my chest. His hand is big and strong, he also seems to be big and strong, with some of a big belly too (and perhaps a moustache but I don’t see this very well). I have to witness how they carry her away.
At that moment I don’t know why my father allows this. I only feel the pain and the concern about something bad happening to my mother, to whom I am bond by a great affection and admiration. I spend a long time with her, helping her, and when she isn’t around, I miss her. I sulk and feel the desire to cry, but everybody says I shouldn’t cry, so I supress myself. At some point in the future, I know Gareth tries to explain to me my father does that to protect us, but I will only understand it later. I know it is very likely this is the origin of a more serious conflict with my father, but I don’t feel anymore for now.
(Regression 29-5-2017).
Mainly a lot of emotions and blurry images started to come to me. I don’t know if the first thing I saw was infuriated people in front of me, as if there is a tumult in town. They dress as peasants and I am already quite tall (taller than them). It seems they are against me and they want me to stop behaving like I do. My father has to interpose between me and them, trying to calm them down, and I go away. Already at home we start to argue, I am angered and call them “bunch of cowards”, and someone tells me (possibly my brother) the thing is they have family. I think, “One more reason to defend them, to fight”, but no one sees it this way, and deep inside what most annoys me is to know I am alone... but I try not to be bothered by this. “So be it”.
In another scene Gareth and I are talking about what happened when they took our mother away and our father stopped me. I’d say we are younger than in the previous scene, teenagers perhaps. He tells me he did it to protect me, but I still can’t understand why he let them to take her away. Was she, perchance, being a woman, a less relevant loss than mine? I feel (in this life) that the matter is about that... that women were considered inferior, as I once myself thought in regards to my wife: “She is only a woman”. It is as if my life has more value than hers, but I don’t agree with that.
“We never saw her again. What did they do to her?”
We never knew, or if someone found out, they never told me. The relationship with my father was not good because of that, we are always arguing over that or my attitude.
Gareth moves away with his wife and that leaves me even more alone. How much I loved him, how much I needed him... I think at some point we must have talked and he knew I was feeling guilty because I couldn’t prevent her rape the first time. He asks me: “How come you chose to put that burden on your shoulders?” I answer with pride: “Because nobody else would!” (Thing that possibly wasn’t true). I keep a lot of resentment towards my father, and he knows, but we never talk about that subject.
The resentment comes from pain. During the regression I start to weep and I don’t know whether it is because Roderic already wept back then or I am weeping now. I ask my guide for clarity and help to see the scene as it was. I relax and see that my father and I are the two alone in the cabin, dining in a wooden table, the environment is gloomy. There is a lot of silence, Gareth doesn’t live with us anymore. He comments to me there is an acquaintance or friend of his that has a daughter of marriageable age, and I know he has told me in several occasions “You should marry”. I tell him I will do it if that is what he wants (I think it is an attempt to improve our relationship). I think to myself, with pride again, I will take care of her better than he did my mother. He starts to say he is getting old and any day soon he won’t be with us any longer, and he knows I never understood what he did. I reply to him I do understand (because Gareth explained it to me), but it gets uncomfortable for me to speak of it and I don’t want to go on with the conversation, so I abruptly get up and say I have things to do, and get out. It is night now and I gaze at the stars, holding back the tears. I hated him back then when he stopped me with his hand. I don't hate him anymore, but I can’t forgive him either. I never did. I can’t, I just can’t, there are still too much grief and a lot of incomprehension. And shortly after he suddenly died (I believe) and things stayed there.
I know I was very tough with him, very inflexible (as much or more as I was with myself), and as always, I was incapable of transmitting my feelings to anyone. But I swore to myself nothing like that would happen with my wife... and at the end I was unable to defend them too. I think that was very important on the things that came afterwards. Too much pain and hatred accumulated.
(Regression 7-6-2017).
Right after I arrived to my vacation place, still noticing certain tension on my neck, I lay down on my bed to rest for a little while. I didn’t fall asleep but some emotions related to Roderic came to me. A brief inner dialogue with him started off:
“You see? Can’t you just relax there?”
“No, I can’t.”
“Why? Because it means you die?”
“Because it means you lose.”
“But you lost everything [tears].
“I lost everything.”
“Then it is a question of not accepting the defeat, of pride? You know you couldn’t win.”
(11-6-2017).