The main reason I am researching more this life is because I wanted to know if it is true that rigidity or inflexibility that seems to be a personality trait of mine —one I have made reference to in previous entries— comes from Reginald. Well, I already know that, being a personality trait, not only does it belong to Reginald. I know it is a trait that has been present, with more or less intensity, in many of my other lives, especially when I have been a ship captain (I knew what was good for me) or when it came down to forgive bad decisions (my own or close friends’). What I want to know is to what extent it was also present in Reginald. But I will deal with this in deep in another occasion.
Fortunately, things clarified with time. But let us start at the beginning...
The first time I heard that name was, as usual, in response to a question I asked in the middle of a regression: “Who has taught me all these things?” My thoughts went straight to my instructor, and I heard a voice coming from my youth: “The Inquisition destroys books, Antóine”. Our task —the secret brotherhood’s— was to preserve them. And that is why I found myself there, hiding in a crypt of a castle with old files and relics that might lead us to our deaths if we were caught with them.
Well, it seems the correct option is the second one, that is to say, my name Antóine was my name within the secret brotherhood. I say this because of two main facts. The first is also related to the moment in which two men caught me by surprise while I was sleeping in the woods, on my way to the north of Spain after acquiring the book. One had the appearance of a warrior or soldier. The other was a religious person that wore a black habit. I got the impression that this priest or whatever he was addressed me as Antóine, but not exactly in an affectionate way. And when he pronounces my name I think that is a sign something has gone awry: either I have been discovered and he knows I belong to the brotherhood, or someone in the brotherhood has betrayed us and has told the priest my name. In any case, we are screwed up... which explains my subsequent behavior in the hospital.
The second is that in one of my regressions I had the feeling that the person who was with me called me that way because he also belonged to the brotherhood and knew that name. We were in a mission somewhat bloody that perhaps one day I will describe entirely (but I can’t promise anything). Here is only a small part:
I am in the town again. I see stone buildings of a sand color, a market with a medieval look, with wooden stalls, live animals to sell, and women who wear some kind of leather bodice, tightened with laces, and long skirts. Dirt roads or cobbled streets. I am sitting at a table, but it seems this time I am outdoors, though there could be a wooden canopy. The face of a young man sat at my left side comes clearly to my mind. He has brown and shoulder-length hair. I know he is the person I was waiting for, and I know his name is Vincent, and he knows me as Antóine, so I deduce both of us are in the Brotherhood. We are talking about the man in black. We know he is in town, I saw him in the inn or tavern or whatever that was, and I even fear he could recognize me. We know he is asking questions and it is only a matter of time before he makes it to the sanctuary. We have to accomplish the mission that has been entrusted to us, but we are thinking about how to do it. We must take him by surprise, we must be discreet, and we must not let ourselves be seen together for a long time. The problem is we don’t know when we will cross paths with him again. Inside I regret Vincent’s youth... I know it is me who must do it.
Also, even before I joined the brotherhood, my mates began to call me that way sometimes. Perhaps they already took for granted I would join them. After all, I had been under close observation since my arrival to the school, and probably they knew which my answer would be. But I still had doubts, and when the moment came to take the oath, I needed some time to consider. The one that seemed to be the leader of the brotherhood or at least some of the superiors, talked to me to convince me, and again I thought I heard the name of Antóine. I asked them why they called me that and they said that would be my name once I had become one of them. They told me there was a reason, though they didn’t say which.
Finally, I remembered what happened after I left the hospital. I was impatient to recover enough as to be able to travel again, and I was frustrated I couldn’t do it. I felt I had to inform the brotherhood we had been betrayed, and we also had to decide how we were going to proceed with the traitor... Back home, probably in France, a meeting was convened. I even have a date on my notes, which came to my mind in Roman numerals: MDLVII, 1557. If it is true I was born in 1533, I must have been 24, though I certainly felt much older. I also had the feeling that this was one of the first missions I had confronted on my own... and I had failed.
I am not feeling too well. I am going to attend a secret meeting, which will take place in the ruins of a nearby chapel (we have several meeting places that change with time), but I fear that moment. Everything has gone wrong, I nearly didn’t make it, and I don’t know what they will say. I get up, open the wardrobe near the table, and take a coat. I step out of the room, take a horse and start the ride. The meeting place must not be too far. On the way I meet other two knights. We arrive and dismount. We all are already assembled. When my turn comes I tell them my mission completely failed. “Tell it from the start, as news preceded you”, they say. I tell them I left Seville with the book, but someone attacked me. When they ask me about the assailant’s identity, I say I didn’t recognize him, but he did know my secret name. They are aware of the seriousness of the affair. They say we will have to keep our eyes open, and when we are certain of who betrayed us, act accordingly (in other words, he will have to be eliminated). I feel guilty, I volunteer to return for the book, as I know it was very valuable. Someone says (I think he is not the leader, but someone who is also important even though he is not in charge, I have the impression he is the oldest) “Not in your wildest dreams, Antóine!” They say there will be another mission in the future so that I can make amends. Later, in private, this same man squeezes my shoulder and says I acted bravely, I don’t have to worry.