I started off with La herejía cátara, by Jesús Ávila Granados, book I previously mentioned because it was the one that made me realize a great part of my current thought, especially that related to religion, is very similar to the teachings of Cathars. But the book itself didn't seem to me very impressive. It does touch on Montségur and what happened there, so at least it served me to rule out the possibility I had died in that fortress. My memories didn't match anything. I never spoke of stakes, but beheadings. Perhaps, the most striking part of this part of my research was the discovery of the main Cathar mandates. I couldn't believe nowadays I keep agreeing with most of them:
Thirteen were the mandates that all believers (aspirants to initiates) had to follow and respect:
1. Don't kill any person or animal, as they possess souls that await their salvation. | 1. Of course. 2. Not that extreme, but I share what they say about the soul a hundred percent. 3. Exact. Only for the Parfaits. Though I wonder... in this life I decided not to bring kids to the world, maybe it has something to do? 4. Not that extreme, but I usually don't like vows, as you can change your opinion. 8. Of course. 9. I always thought this. 13. No, not that. |
A list was given of the main Cathar fortresses that fell one after the other, and I searched more information about them on the internet, but none seemed to match what I remembered. Those fortresses are called "the Five Sons of Carcassonne", and they are Aguilar, Quéribus, Peyrepertuse, Termes and Puilaurens. Looking for pictures of each of them, I found that Peyrepertuse visually resonated with me a lot, which didn't come as a surprise as it is very similar to Montségur. Again, there appears an archway that looks a lot like the one I had seen very clearly behind the figure of my son, who was waiting for me to go into the castle.
It was then that I did a new regression and got a few more details.
I started crying almost since the beginning, I think in part because I started seeing Dominic very clearly, and seeing H with other appearance, but recognizing him all the same, always moves me. I see him as a man around thirty years old, light brown hair, grown but not too long, prominent and wide nose, eyes between greenish and brown. I am in the kitchen working, I make some kind of flat bread or pastry with flour and a rolling pin. I also know I like picking up medicinal plants, we store them in bits in little fabric pouches that are on a shelf, and I use some of them as seasoning as well. I also saw myself taking care of some goats (I think we have both goats and sheep), they are in a separate yard, a construction with a pecualiar shape, I see it made of adobe, earthly color, and rounded shapes, with a low ceiling, some holes so that it is aired, and some low fences so that they won't escape. There is straw on the ground. I go there to milk them (I notice the soft nipple), and I know sometimes I also make medical interventions, as I do with people. I like taking care of them. We make cheese with the milk, but we don't take their baby away or kill it. We also use the wool from the sheep.
I think in that moment in which I am in the kitchen my husband is already dead and for some reason I am sad and Dominic notices it. He asks me what's up with me and I tell him I miss my husband, he was loving and made me laugh. But he knows there's something else... After a while it comes to me I am worried about my husband's fate in the other side, I am not too sure but perhaps he didn't receive the Consolamentum (it doesn't come to me with these words, but I do think in some kind of Extreme Unction), I don't know why it wasn't done, maybe he just didn't want to, maybe it was impossible to do it. My son tells me that I should not worry, because we both know he was a good man, and therefore, with or without Consolamentum, it is certain he won't encounter any problem.
Then I started seeing the rest of my family. I don't think we live in the same house, but we do often get together here. I see my second son, my daughter, and a boy around twelve years old that is my youngest son. I see other younger kids, but they are grandchildren: a four or five-year-old girl, and a boy younger than two, who is in the arms of one of my daughters-in-law, and still drinks breastmilk. Seeing them all together makes me feel like a matriarch and it moves me. I again see that my daughter is often close to me, worried about my wellbeing. And as I start to have tired eyes, I ask her to read me some excerpt from that religious book (whatever it is), she does me that favor and reads to me.
Then I see we are all having dinner, in the middle of this room that seems to be the place where we socialize, where the kitchen is, and in the other corner there is a place a bit more private we use for different things. The table is long and we all are seated (I don't see cutlery at any time) and suddenly I have the feeling someone brings news. I don't know if it is someone that turns up physically at the door, or just a piece of information someone comments on, and they say several brothers were burned in a nearby town (I don't know how nearby). Consternation falls upon us, and we fear they will come for us too. There is silence and suddenly I start weeping. My second son comforts me, I tell them it is my fault, they deny it, of course. It is not simply a matter of religion, it is a way of life, we are like we are, my husband also educated them this way and lived according to those principles, and no one can change that now. What are we going to do? For now, just wait and be vigilant. If things go worse, we will flee, though I don't want to leave my home.
I have the impression it is not we are a handful of people hiding in a city, but a great part of that city is like us, it is quite obvious what we are (perhaps it is in one of those towns where there was a Cathar bishop). Concealment is not possible. I would say winter is getting closer, and that makes things harder.
In a given moment I see a starry night sky above our heads, the village is dark and light is only coming from some torches we leave outside. I think about the God that is somewhere over there watching this barbarism, and I know He won't do anything to avoit it, as it is a problem that concerns men, not Him.
Inside I fear Dominic will decide to use weapons to defend ourselves. One day I tell him, "Please, don't". He replies how can I think that, he would uncapable of killing someone. I have that fear because he has doubted many times the precepts I have tried to convey to him, and besides he has that tendency to wrath. He assures me he won't do that, but as he is so serious and it is hard to know what he is thinking, I am always left with that doubt. And I fear he will do it because if he did, all our efforts to be "good men" and earn a good life after our deaths would have been useless, you would become "one of them", it would be like succumbing to the Devil. I tell him it is now when we must stay strong, in the sense of not giving in to this type of temptations.
Even so, I can't stop feeling guilty. In one of my first memories I said I had the feeling I had "visions" and thought they were to end up at the stake. I start to believe that was only the image I had in my mind due to the fear we would all be burned. In recent days, the verses of the song "I see fire" by Ed Sheeran (soundtrack of "The Hobbit") have gained a new meaning for me:
“If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together”
And it is very curious to me that despite everything pointed to the fact we were going to die at the stake, and anyone in the present would think the same, according to what history books say, the death memory is different. I suppose this points to the fact this is not fantasy, but a real memory.
I also notice that under regression the word "Cathar" never comes to me, it is much easier for me to think about "good men" (the book said that was the way we called ourselves), or, at most, "Albigensian".
Then, when I was about to get asleep, another scene came to me, in which I was in bed with my husband, very close together, he was lying on his side and I was seated. I was worried again about the issue we all were going to end up at the stake (what makes me think this was a longstanding fear, not only for that news), and he tells me I can't live with that fear in my head.
(Regression 21-12-2017).