When I wrote in my previous entry I had recalled a piano before, I didn’t think I had so much information. But this happens when you are not reading your past life journal everyday and besides you have been a few years disconnected from the subject of reincarnation.
But… I have made it: reviewing everything I had and putting it together. I didn’t remember that before Susan’s life I already had memories from another alleged past life in which a piano appeared. This was at the early beginning of my journey and at the end I reached the conclusion it was the same life. I like sharing it to show the process of remembering past lives is very confusing and sometimes you take years to tie up all the loose ends. This is why it is very important to write it all down, and in the most orderly fashion, to facilitate future searches.
So, with this entry we are going to travel far...
According to my past life journal, the first memory I had of Susan was on December 17th, 2011. I was still giving a number to each flash or brief scene that came to me, following the order of apparition.
«This morning, simply relaxing my mind while still in bed, a couple of images came to my head: in one of them I was in a very elegant house, I was sitting in front of a piano, and I intended to play something. I don’t know if I was a woman or a man.»
«The image of the piano expanded a bit. I saw myself as a woman aged 41 or 42, very thin, with very fine hands. I was wearing a long, straight skirt, black or very dark like velvet and a white blouse, at a certain point I thought it had fine vertical lines, with lace in the cuffs. I had a very beautiful long hair but I always wear it tied up in some kind of bun. I think I am in Boston, but I don’t know if this is because it reminds a lot of the TV series “Doctor Quinn”, and Boston was there too. No year comes to my mind. I liked playing the piano a lot. I lived in a two-story house, the piano was placed against a wall, between two high windows that are like balconies. Everything is very white. I have the impression I had a husband, though I am not in love with him, and I also have the impression I had servants, though I don’t think they are black. I don’t see children. I think I led quite a quiet life. At a certain point I remember the word “baptist” regarding religion (no idea what it is exactly). Further on, I see myself much older, with grey hair and many wrinkles, it reminds me of Charlie Chaplin’s daughter, more wrinkles than usual for my age.»
The next memory with a piano came to me on December 29th, 2011:
«I still don’t know if it’s Boston or not, but certainly is a North American city, in the mid-late 19th century. There have been a few flashes, more than anything. I have seen the first cameras already existed. The town is hot, Colorado also came to me (but I think this also appeared in "Doctor Quinn", because Denver was close). It is very small, there are only a few houses and the soil is sand, and there are lots of horses. I have seen myself with the typical dress and the hair tied up in a bun. It is possible it is an earlier time. I was still single and I have many cows, that is, I must be a breeder. Then, I guess that when I got married (though I am saying this now), I started to lead a quieter life. A gentleman with a suit, waistcoat and a moustache turns up, he might be my husband (though I still don’t recognize him as such), I have the impression I got married later on, out of convenience, and I don’t see children, but I do see the same house, the one with the piano. This time I see it from the outside too, it is the typical colonial American house, with a big veranda and painted all white. There are few emotions in this life, nothing extreme (at least for now). I think it was a good life.»
Today I don’t discard the cows, but if anything, they would have been in my childhood. About the rest, it impresses me how I gave a lot of details I have been able to verify, like the description of my first husband (not much the date, as in fact it took place in early XIX century). It is obvious I wasn’t prepared to remember what would come much later, and so I said it seemed a good life. This shows how important it is to have a lot of memories and, if possible, to remember many past lives. A short fragment gives little information.
In April 2012 more flashes came to me, very brief:
«The first thing that came to my mind were the words “grapes” and “vineyard”, I don’t know if it is because I had some kind of plantation. I saw myself playing the piano while a young woman (with her black also tied up in a bun) sang by my side (my daughter?), and I also saw the image of a young man, aged around 25 (a son?), who seemed to be celebrating something. I also had the feeling we had black servants (or slaves), and the name Louisiana came to me, but that could have been my rational mind. I know the first part of the night I dreamed with this life, and it wasn’t very pleasant, but I don’t remember anything. I haven’t slept well and today I have that bad sensation, a mixture of anxiety, sadness and depression.»
(Regresssion 18-4-2012.)
Source: Victorian British Painting.
In July 2013 harder memories started to come to me (they were not the first ones). And they were not brief flashes anymore but long scenes with a lot of painful details.
«The first thing I started to see were a few flashes: I am in a wooded environment, it is cloudy and it has started raining, a few big drops. It might be the early autumn. And I am riding a horse, with a long dark skirt, and I am trotting quite fast, I don’t think I am running away from anyone, but I am upset for something. I see the road in front of me, it is earth of a dark colour because it is somewhat damp. I also see very clearly the frontal part of the saddle, where the handle is, or whatever the name of that part you grab. I would say the horse is of a cream or beige colour but I don’t see it clearly. I halt the horse and I let myself fall down, deeply saddened. I feel an ache on my left shoulder, near the neck, and I think it is because my husband hurt me there…
But it was a bit confusing, so I tried to focus and thought: “Let’s see, let’s go in order…”
Images of my childhood. I saw what seemed my face. A 5-7-year-old girl, black, shoulder-length and a bit curly hair, a chubby face, neither pretty nor ugly. And I’d say they call me [Susan]. Then I see the face of a boy, he seems to be my age more or less, he also has a bit long hair, but brown, he looks a bit like me, and dresses as in the typical American movies of that time: trousers and waistcoat, with a loose shirt, very much like Tom Sawyer, I call him William… and I think of him as some kind of relative, like a cousin… though it might be possible he is my nephew (if I have a brother or sister old enough…). It is possible we live together, or at least I see him very often.
Then a very clear image started to appear, very disturbing and a bit shameful: I saw the bottom of a man, buttocks and thighs, naked, with trousers down, my eyes at the height of his buttocks… It came to me as a flash almost in dreams, but the vision made me “wake up” a bit, and though I was going to discard the image, I tried to focus on it once more. I was the same girl as before, I ran into this scene and behind the man was a kneeling woman, but I don’t see her completely. Between the man and I there is a large table, maybe a bit towards the side, it is as if they were in the kitchen and I see them but I think they don’t see me… and I know it is my father the one doing such a strange thing, and I hold my breath and go out and I stay with my back against the wall, wondering what the hell is that. I think it is something bad… above all because I know that girl is not my mum. I ask myself how do I know, and I answer: “Because she’s out!” She’s gone to do the shopping or something like that. Here there was a lot of connection, because I really felt like a child, shocked by what I have seen, and I don't know how to interpret it, I don’t know if it’s good or bad, and I think “If my dad is not bad, why is he doing this?”. I wonder if my dad also mistreats my mum or other woman, like occurs to me later, but I’m not sure, I don’t have that feeling. By the way, I see my dad with prominent side whiskers, but not very old, and my mum resigned and with a bonnet or headscarf that covers all her head.
The next thing I saw is that I started to hear laughs. It was William laughing, now an adult, and I am telling him this incident. We are in some kind of little house or cabin, I am already married (I would say with my first husband), and he has come to visit (or I have gone to), and we are talking. He thinks what I am telling him is funny, and he starts asking some cheeky questions, there is a lot of trust between us because we have grown up together and we have similar ages, but I am not up to tell him if I have done the same or not… whatever that woman was doing. Then William realizes there is something unnatural in my words… and he asks me if I am happy “with him”. There is no need for me to answer. I feel the weight of unhappiness on my soul, and of how much I wished I wouldn’t have married him, but I had no other option. I tell him I use to confess with the priest, I tell him my husband mistreats me, but the priest says that is normal, that matrimony is just like that… William is very sad because of the situation but he can’t do anything either.
Then I saw more scenes of childhood, before I was engaged to this man. I see myself as a different child, one that doesn’t accept her feminine role. She prefers to go and play to the tree-house William has, and her mum tells her: “You should be like your sister”. I see another girl, thinner and shorter than me, with lighter hair, my little sister. I don’t care what she does, but I get angry when I think my only option is to get married and have children, instead of choosing what I want to do. I don’t want to have children! I think about pregnant women and raising children… and I don’t want to do it! I go up to my bedroom, I see a wooden window, I feel rage because I don’t have a choice. My mum says I am already a “little woman”, I must be 13 or 14, and I know they will get me married soon, they are going to do it with someone much older than me and without even asking me…
I haven’t seen much of the marriage itself. The name of [...] for my husband came to me but it is possible it is my rational mind. It may be that the life of that X I remembered very early fits somehow here, because I have remembered a piano I liked to play. Or rather, two. One of them is short (I think of a clavichord) we have in a second floor, close to the windows, and another one, bigger, which I don’t know where exactly is, but I play it in the gatherings. For some reason I feel myself quite old, though I might be not… and I feel we live in some kind of mansion, with stables and even a fence I myself repair, though my husband says I shouldn’t because that is not a woman thing…
At this point I tried to see something more of the mistreatment but not much came to me, so I still doubt if the hardest abuse came with the other husband (if there was at all). I do believe that the matter of my daughter and Julien fits here, because they are events that take place during a long period of time. My husband wants a child, but I am taking my time. He gets frustrated, but he is in part understanding. Even so I am not happy, and I don’t find any comfort in religion, I think the only thing the church has given to me is Julien, as I met him there… I think he knows about my situation, but he can’t do anything either, because he would give himself away, and me, and adultery would probably lead me to death as well. So, even when he seems to be concerned about me (I think it is for courtesy, rather than real love), I tell him not to intervene.»
(Regression 9-7-2013.)