My first spontaneous memory in the waking state is from this life, and I love to remember how it happened. A Sunday morning I went out for a walk with my partner. We lived near the Rastro and by chance we passed by a shop with an antique look, typical of that area in Madrid. I stopped in front of the store window. There were several weapons, among them a miniature of the famous Winchester rifle, duplicates of Flintlock pistols (by then I still didn’t know their name but I already had seen them in my Cardiff life) and a couple of Colt revolvers. I stayed there a few minutes contemplating them, fascinated. That same day I got ready to cut some vegetables for the meal, over a wooden cutting board, and suddenly an image turned up in my mind. It was as if I was near a wooden counter and a man put a Colt on it. It was very quick, but I had the feeling I was Tommy and the clerk was showing me the pistol because I was interested in buying them. In my journal I wrote: «I tell it just in case». And luckily I did, otherwise I would have possibly forgotten the details.
«Well, yes, I (Tom) was in the armory. I’m being attended by a middle-aged man with a waistcoat, and the rest of his clothing is the typical of the Old West, that is, a shirt and a pair of trousers made of corduroy or something similar. He knows me perfectly, as we live in the same town. He shows me the pistol. I am sure it is a Colt (here it is difficult to know if I know it for watching movies or for being Tom). I tell him it is because the sheriff has employed Johnson and me to escort the stagecoach. I grab it, I do as if I’m aiming, putting it near my eye, and the clerk recommends me to practice with it, as a pistol is not a rifle, which is what I normally use. He also sells me ammunition and I pay him everything, it comes to me without any effort that it costs 1’50 dollars, but I don’t know if this would be accurate (keeping in mind that we are at the end of XIX century). When I go he tells me to remind Johnson he owes him money from the last cartridges he bought him. I reply I will do so.
Then arrived a lot of brief images of the town, for example, the main street of the town, very wide, all of earth, with stores at both sides. Or the vision of a drinking trough full of flies hovering around. Also a very clear flash of a young girl who wears a long skirt, a hat and her hair is long, with two braids. Her name is Becky. I know she is from the town, a bit younger than me, and many think she would be good for me as a wife. (All this comes to me only looking at her). And among all those brief images, it also came to me a scene that develops a bit more.»
«After buying the pistol, belt and all, I put it in a saddlebag of the horse (as I still don’t want to put it on my waist), and I go to the ranch. I see myself indoors, everything is made of wood, I am with a woman that at first I identified as my mum… well, rather, I didn’t think anything about her, she just was there as in other regressions. The name Alice comes to me. I think she’s preparing the dinner or something like that, while I am comfortably sitting with my feet on the table, and obviously, she scolds me and tells me to put them down. I think she often scolds me because she thinks I don’t work enough in the ranch and I am always out with Johnson… but I don’t care too much she says that.
I start thinking about the rest of my family, they all live in the ranch. I clearly see a boy around ten years old (I believe I already named him, but today the name Jamie came to me, a diminutive for James… yes, all very common names). I think we had an older brother, Robert. Yes, we “had” because he’s not with us now: he was killed, though it was still not too clear for me what happened. And suddenly I knew our father had died not long ago. I know he was ill, I see the doctor that came to see him (with a doctor’s bag and a black jacket), but he couldn’t do anything for him. So he spends his last days in bed, and I see all the family is around him, waiting for the moment of the outcome: I am sitting at the right side of the bed. My brother Robert, who is still with us, is standing at my left. The woman is at the other side of the bed, holding his hand, and the boy is nearby too. At that point I notice the woman is too young for being my mother, and then I realize she’s not my mum, but my sister, though she takes on the role of a mother many times. She’s the second after Robert. My father is not too old, he has gray hair and a two-days beard. I feel the sorrow of the moment, there is nothing else to do… I decide to go out for some fresh air and I sit on the stairs in the porch. I think “The old man is dying”. Tears fill my eyes and it’s hard to accept, as I know things are going to change. And my mother? I don’t know where she is, I think she also died, some years ago.
The next thing I see is his burial, in a cemetery near a wooden church that seems white, with only one bell tower. There is a priest, I think of him as “reverend”, he wears a black cassock, a round hat and I think some kind of white tie, and holds a little book in his hand. We are outside, around the pit, I have my small brother before me and I lay my hands on his shoulders, all wearing black or dark clothes, while they put the coffin down (I’d say it’s also of a light colour), with ropes, and they start to throw earth on it.
From then on Robert is supposed to take the reins of the ranch, he is the oldest one, but a bit later he is killed, and Alice is the one that takes charge. I, being the next man in the house, should do more, my sister reproaches that to me, but it is as if I don’t want to assume that responsibility. I do some little tasks in the ranch but I don’t put too much effort, and besides I’m always hanging out with bad companies…
For example, I know I milk the cows. I know I go out to herd the cattle on the plains (me riding a horse and with the typical lasso), I work on the maintenance of the fencing… Alice fears the new job as a escort will take up some of my time to work in the country, I tell her she has no reason to worry, as there are not stagecoaches every day, they only go out twice or thrice each week, we go and come back and that’s it. That way I get some extra money and it’s more fun as well. Besides, I tell her she already has Bob, an employee who helps us. I think I’ve seen in the back side of the ranch we have some kind of shed underground, the access is through a hatch, and we use it as a storage room. But it seems a bit strange to me.»
«Another flash that has come to me is a crossroad when you leave the town, yes, the typical crossroad with wooden posts and signboards with the shape of an arrow, pointing to the nearest towns. All the time it has come to me we are in Colorado, very near the canyon (at the end of the meditation the term “Grand Canyon” came to me, as such). It also comes constantly to me the word “springs”, with Palm before it, I wonder if “springs” is because there is a river near, I know I sometimes take Jamie there for a hike and we spend the day. It also came to me an image of the Colorado mountains in the background (the typical image of a reddish wall), I was with my blonde friend, Johnson, and we saw some vultures flying through the skies in circles, as if they were observing something down there. Johnson jokes and says “It’s because they have killed some of those stinking Indians and the vultures are eating them”. When he says that I imagine two soldiers wearing a blue uniform (as if they were the Seventh Cavalry) chasing the Indians. As for the vultures, I think it’s likely just a dead animal. He asks me if I’d like to be one of those soldiers (become a member of the Army or whatever), I tell him no, not really. I’m not excessively drawn to weapons. He teases me because he thinks I’m boring.
Something that strikes me a lot in this life is the sky. I see myself reclined with my feet on a fence, just contemplating the sunset, which is spectacular. I see all the horizon and the amazing blue over me. It is a wonder.
It is not clear what happened with Robert, but I think they say he was killed by the Indians… and I suspect Johnson was there and he doesn’t tell me the whole truth. As I suspect he was also a good friend of my brother and something happened. I think it is him the one who picks me “to give those Indians what they deserve”, but I don’t know very well how this ends, though I have a bad feeling about it. I don’t feel any desire of revenge, at least for the moment, as I don’t know what really happened. I did have some flash of an Indian, this time with the same fiery aspect but long hair.
The work in the ranch bores me, and there are not a lot of things to do in the town except wandering. I see myself walking around the town, I sit on a wooden bench beside a drunkard, and I end up in the canteen having a glass of whiskey. The bartender asks me how I am doing with my father’s death, I shrug. Not too well. I am thinking the following day I have to take the cart and go to another town for some wooden planks to fix a fence (that’s why I know I take care of the fencing), and I’m not in the mood in the least. I see Johnson reclined in a chair, alone, with the hat over his eyes, and he looks at me and asks me if I want to play a card game. He calls me “brother”, though I know we’re not. I’m not in the mood to play. I do enjoy going out with the stagecoach and galloping at full speed in our way back. But the feeling I have all the time is that there is not much of a future here. It’s as if we are going nowhere and we just let time pass by. And I think Johnson takes it quite worse than I and he will end up getting me in trouble…
This has been not too clear, but I have the impression one day I fight with him, punching each other hard, I don’t know why.
I left it here because I again was scared of what was coming next.»
(Regression 13-4-2012.)