Some time, when I wasn’t with them, disgrace occurs… I don’t know how we found out. But it surely was quite an ugly affair, as since Robert’s death, everything changed for the worse.
«I suddenly saw myself visiting my brother Robert’s grave, I lay a bouquet of flowers on it. The slab is wooden. First I am squatting, but as I spend a lot of time there, I end up sitting on the ground, wondering how he died and why Johnson torments himself so much since then. At that point I see the two of them together, Johnson with a dark coat to his feet and a double-barreled shotgun, too impetuous, my father warns them to leave the Indians alone, to pay heed to a war veteran like he is, but for some reason they got peeved with the Indians and have their fights with them. I think I am younger at that moment and I don’t accompany them. I don’t know how this all ends.
(Regression 21-4-2012.)
«I try to focus on my heart, though it’s difficult, as always. I feel a bit of sadness. Not excessive, something that causes me a certain lowness. I suddenly start seeing some wooden bunk beds, quite close to each other, in what seems a dormitory. Maybe there are five or six pairs of bunk beds at each side. The place is in semi-darkness. And empty. I am standing among them, as if watching them. I didn’t know what it was exactly or who I was… though I started to suspect it was the West. I thought: “It’s some kind of shelter”. Then I thought I was looking for someone… my brother Robert. I weakly see the man that governs the shelter, I have given him the description of my brother, but he doesn’t remember to have seen him. I have to keep searching. We fear something happened to him, as he said he was going with some friends days ago and he hasn’t returned yet, so I take a horse and go out to look for him. I travel many miles on horse, on my own, through rivers and hills, sleeping in the open or where I can, in the direction he supposedly went. I see several times the rifle I carry with me, in case something happens. No one seems to know anything, for now. I feel my beard begins to grow. I reach an important town (probably Denver). I get the image of a very large building, so large I have never seen anything like it. The facade has a reddish color, with several sheds one after the other, that end in peaks, and at the top there are some kind of spheres. I think it’s the train station. I go to the police station and talk to the sheriff, he asks me if I have a picture of Robert, but I don’t. Even so, I see some posters with a drawing of his face (I don’t know if he makes those or if I bring them myself) and he promises to me he will hang them around the town to help me find him. But when I leave, he tells me “Have little hope”. I can’t go farther… and I have to go back home.
Then I see myself at home. I don’t see my mum, but I’m not sure if she’s dead. My father is home, but he can’t ride or make great efforts due to his leg injury. My sister is very worried and when I tell her there are no news she tries to hold back the tears, I hold her, I know he loved Robert very much. My younger brother is also there, but it’s harder to talk with him.
I have to take care of the animals, and I’m not in the mood to do it. Then Johnson arrives one day, he tells me he knows I’ve been looking for Robert, and confesses to me he knows where he is… his corpse. I can’t believe he took so long to tell me. He tells me he got killed, but he doesn’t want to tell me what happened exactly. I tell him we must tell my father, I go and tell him, and say I will go with Johnson to look for him. He agrees and suggests to take a cart to bring him and bury him adequately. Johnson and the ones going with him covered him with a blanket and put stones on top, and marked the place with a stick or something like that. I know because that’s the image I have of the moment we arrive to the site. Days have gone by and they tell me not to look, but I have to. I ask Johnson if he’s sure it is him. Of course he is. I don’t know if I get to lift the blanket, but I do think he’s wearing his red and black tartan shirt and that’s how I recognize him. When I arrive and I see it, I take off my hat, put my knee on the ground and cross myself, desolated. Afterwards, they help me to transport him. I know there was a funeral and we buried him, but I didn’t get to see it.
I keep insisting Johnson to tell me what happened, but he never does, and the resentment towards him keeps growing… How come he didn’t tell me before?
(Regression 24-9-2015.)
At night, before going to sleep, more information came to me.
«I was home, all the family gathered around the dining room’s table. The environment is quite gloomy, it’s a rectangular wooden table, quite large. Now I would say with more certainty that my mother already died, in fact I even think she was dead, luckily, or she would have had quite a bad time with Robert’s death. I see my sister and my father, who sits seriously on the right. We are still very sad for what has happened. I ask Alice if they have told Jamie, she says yes, I worry about him. My father stares at me, they all are worried about me too, my father in particular fears I will want revenge and so choose a wrong path (but that’s very far from my mind, I think I learned the lesson well as Roderic). I feel disappointment, mainly, a lot of disappointment for Johnson. And I don’t know what to do in regards to him. Alice tells me I must forgive him, but how can I do that? My father recommends me to forget everything, he says Robert will be with God now, and that’s it, we must not do anything else.»
(Spontaneous memories, 24-9-2015.)
Three years before I had remembered something similar. It seems my assumptions were not completely right. It is normal that memories expand with time.
«I saw a bit of when the boys bring Robert already dead. I suppose they brought him on horse, and when they arrived to the town, someone lent them a cart. I see the body on it, with the gap on his chest, Robert was wearing a shirt that could be red and black. He comes accompanied by two or three boys, Johnson among them. He looks at me serious and imperturbable, and my reaction if of a lot of sadness, but I don’t scream blue murder, I think I was expecting it somehow, and I look at Johnson with resentment, asking him with my gaze why they didn’t listen to my father, why they kept chasing the Indians… I ask him what kind of affair they had with them, he replies it had to do with blood (I guess a murder, a fight…). But as for the rest, he’s still silent, and I am not in the mood to interrogate him at that moment. I think there is some resentment towards him, but I assimilate my brother’s death.
Then, some flash about how I start loosing myself, and how Alice tries to take me back to reality and help her in the ranch, but sadness starts taking a hold on me. We argue frequently and I tell her I don’t give a damn about the ranch. Jamie looks at me disappointed by my behavior.»
(Regression 8-10-2012.)