Thing is, after the initial session I described in the blog’ last entry, my therapist did two sessions more, at night, while I was sleeping, on December 13th and December 20th. As usual in me, I didn’t notice anything special, except I slept specially well the two nights. I think after the second one I did notice a considerable reduction of my anxiety level. On the mornings I use to get up a bit nervous, especially if I have to do something like going to the dentist’s or the repair shop or any other errand. However, since then on, I started getting up very relaxed, without a trace of concern for anything. At the beginning I didn’t blame it on the LNT, after all I also do a lot of yoga and I keep meditating on a regular basis.
Then the holidays came, a time that upsets me a lot. This year it has been clear that it is the end of a cycle for me and many things are dying in my life, so this added up to my usual Christmas annoyance. On December 26th I enjoyed learning to train with a katana, undoubtedly it was the best moment of the festive season. But possibly due to sudden changes of temperature, when the chimney was lighted up in the evenings, the 27th, back in my residence, I started feeling a sore throat. Two or days later, I suffered a brief episode of fever at night. And after that, a serious bronchitis that lasted at least two weeks, so I stopped doing yoga and had a rest. In the meanwhile, the oil boiler broke down and I ended up arguing and yelling to my mum, unable to do anything else than watching TV. For the first time in months she could get me out of my center and all that depressed me quite a bit. Nothing of all this is surprising as the last year of my life has not been easy at all and it is strange I didn’t explode before.
Then some images that are not all new to me followed. Going over my past life journal I see not all the details match, but there are several causes for this: I might be seeing two different episodes of strangulation attempt from my husband, or they might be two different episodes from two different men (possibly my third husband). What I hadn’t remembered until now was what happened before he locked me up in the basement. In the middle of a strong argument, he punches me on the face (this time right cheek), and when I try to defend myself, he grabs me by the throat and tries to choke me. I don’t think he really wants to kill me, he just wants to scare me, and finally he drags me to the basement door and takes me in.
When I get out I go and meet a friend, one of the few witnesses of the events in that house. I see him in front of me, examining the marks on my face and neck, horrified, and it is then when the catharsis takes place. I feel ashamed he sees me like that. Besides, it is as if I feel guilty myself, «for not being a good wife». I feel the terrible desperation, I know I am trapped, I can’t run away because if I do that I will be even more blamed (in that time that was considered family abandonment and the husband could repudiate you). My instinct tells me I have to take the mare and flee as far as possible, but fear prevents me for doing that. «What can I do?», I cry in tears. My friend will give me a solution, though not the best one.
When my husband frees me from my prison in the basement and sees my submissive attitude, he doesn’t behave the same way, obviously. Now he is all affection and care, he says he has a gift for me and when I go to our bedroom I find a gorgeous white dress on the bed. But at that moment I am already dead inside. I only wanted a spouse, and have children and be happy as all those couples I see walking in the park with their baby strollers, and now I know I will never make my dream come true, he destroyed it all since the fateful wedding night. And even so I find out with all my sorrow that somewhere inside of me I think I don’t deserve it, that I haven’t earned that dress because I am not a good wife, I haven’t earned the right to enjoy my husband’s riches, nor the right to have a beautiful house… It is incredible how mistreatment destroys your mind, and how the consequences can be carried to other lives.
I think I have identified one of the blocks that don’t allow me to get prosperity in this life, which after all it is what we were working on with LNT. Little by little I keep advancing to achieve what I really want to materialize.
Another thing that called my attention is my attitude in regards to Susan. I feel something has changed. I don’t judge my past lives as I used to, on the contrary I feel an immense compassion and it is as if some kind of inner dialogue takes place with them, I forgive their mistakes and I feel like hugging that other human being I was. As Susan I couldn’t get out of the hole and rebuild my life, but I don’t know all her circumstances and I cannot, and should not, forget that hell can repeat itself any time, and none of us is free from making mistakes again with our decisions.